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Jun 17

Written by: Greg Runyon
6/17/2011 10:07 AM 

There is a bumper sticker that has always fascinated me.  I see it on cars every now and again.  It reads, “Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!”  I think this is the best bumper sticker ever created by whatever devious minds create bumper stickers.  Some might say “I (heart) NY” was better, but that's just boring.


No, “Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass” is clearly the best.  Not only does it manage to insult your fellow driver, but it also seems to indicate your membership in a very exclusive club:  People who enjoy having hemorrhoids.  If you take the word of the squirming people with the puckered faces on the television ads for products that purport to alleviate hemorrhoid symptoms, this is an affliction I’d think you'd just as soon avoid. 


The folks who proudly display this sticker on their favorite mode of conveyance, however, seem to be saying to other drivers that they should get off their ass...unless they are a hemorrhoid...in which case they'd...what...be welcomed?  It seems strange, but it also seems that there is every sort of perversion in America, which is of course why the terrorists hate us.  You never see that bumper sticker on a burqa, do you?  Of course not.  Terrorists rightly and properly abhor hemorrhoids, as should we all.  Perhaps if we just listened we could learn a thing or two from these people.


The only other bumper stickers that seem to as adequately make a statement against someone while also calling your own sanity into question are those that say something like “Bad cop—no doughnut!”  Why would you put that on your car?  Isn't that just an invitation to have the police tail you around waiting for you to change lanes without signaling?  We had a guy here at the radio station as an intern once upon a time with a license plate that said something like ILUVCOPS.  Now, if it were a hot chick with that license plate, I could see the police (the men, anyway) thinking positive thoughts and letting something slide.  But if I were a policeman and I saw some goon driving around with that license plate, I'd think, “This guy probably has marijuana in his car.”


You simply can’t believe every statement you see on the back of a vehicle.  Take this one for example:

















As you can see, someone scrawled “Help!!! I’m traped” in the dirt on the back of this truck.  When I saw this barreling down Interstate 80 a few days ago, I wasn’t sure how to deal with it.  I mean, “traped” isn’t a word, so what is it you’re trying to say?  Are you trapped?  Are you T-raped?  That sounds awful quite frankly but I don’t know what it is, so how am I to respond?  I would have loved to have made a citizen’s arrest of the truck driver and demand his bill of lading and all that and check the trailer to see if someone was indeed trapped (or T-raped), but since it said “traped,” I felt it was out of my jurisdiction.  It’s an important lesson for you young kidnapping victims out there:  If you’re going to scrawl something on a dirty vehicle, at least have the decency to check your spelling, lest your pleas for assistance go unheeded as they did in this case.


I guess the message I’m trying to get at here is please, drivers and/or abductees of the world, use some care with what you’re putting on the back of your vehicle.  Because I’m stuck behind you with a lot of time to think.


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