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Jan 3

Written by: Greg Runyon
1/3/2012 5:39 PM 

My fans have been clamoring incessantly for more blog action. Well, okay, my mom has. And I'm sure the last thing Mom wants me to blog about is anything computer related, but this is a good lesson for her: You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I went through the indignity today of purchasing some computer software from Adobe. Given a choice, I would have ordered it shipped to me in a box from Amazon, because I love Amazon. They ship quick, often for free, and the one time they biffed my order they made it good pronto. I'm a fan. However, I needed the software right away, so instead of getting it cheaper but slower from Amazon, I decided to download it directly from Adobe, even though it cost more to get it from them directly. No problem, right? One pays for convenience.

Well, let me tell you: This wasn't convenient, and Adobe can eat it for all I care. I already loathe the constant attention demanded by the piggish Flash player they put out. This is just another nail in their coffin for me. Unfortunately, I still need their sub-par products.

I'm a pretty upstanding guy in most ways. I pay my bills at least, let's put it that way. I can shove a piece of plastic into machines around the world and have stacks and stacks of cash plopped into my hand within seconds. I could walk into a car dealer when I get off work tonight and sign a couple of pieces of paper and have them hand me the keys to a car. I would only holler “So long, suckers” out the window as I drove away for fun, not because I didn't intend to pay them for the car. I have the means.

But can I give the dorks at Adobe my credit card, with enough available credit to buy several dozen copies of their $350 software, and have them allow me to download the software I just paid them for? Nope. It'll take another three or four hours, says Sanjay at customer support. For what, I ask. Sanjay ignores the question and reiterates that it will allow me to download in another three or four hours.

What are these goobers doing with my money in the next three or four hours? Maybe Sanjay and his buddies are headed out on a three or four hour bender with my cashola! Having talked to Sanjay—perfectly nice fellow, by the way, not at all his fault this consternation of mine—it was pretty evident that he's not from around here. I pictured the poor fella getting my credit card info, and having to take a long walk down a dusty road in some jerkwater Indian town in order to get to the General Store or whatever they have over there, where Mabel (it wouldn't be Mabel, but you get where I'm going here) will use her new-fangled computer thingee to run my credit card for real so they can authorize the transaction. Then he'll trudge all the way back to his Quonset hut call center, and open the spigot on the download for me. That's the only logical explanation I can come up with for why it might take a sixth of a day to process a credit card transaction in 2012. Is this the impression Adobe would like me to have of their company? Too late. It's real to me now. Poor Sanjay.

I give iTunes my credit card and they allow me to download stuff immediately all the time. I've bought plenty of downloadable content from lots of vendors before with no four hour wait. We live in an immediate world. I didn't make it that way, and to be honest I often wish it were otherwise. I'm the kind of guy who almost longs to use a pay telephone, just because it would attach me emotionally to a time where everything didn't have to happen now, now, now. Of course, who knows what kind of cretin used that phone before me. Ick. No, forget that pay phone longing.

Seriously, though. You have my credit card info. Give me the goods! Thanks, Adobe, for reinforcing my already less-than-stellar perception of your outfit.

Oh, wait! In the time it took me to write this, Adobe, in lightning quick fashion for them, has given it careful consideration and decided that I am not their kind of customer, declining my purchase. Is it because the order was for $700 and I only have five grand left of available credit on that card? Who knows?! Maybe Sanjay didn't feel like taking that hike after all. Poor Sanjay.

Oh well. Instead of getting the full profit, because they'd be selling me their own software, I went back and placed the order with Amazon, who took my money in about eight seconds, and promised to overnight the stuff to me...for LESS MONEY than Adobe wanted. That's right, Adobe is getting less of my money so that Amazon and UPS or FedEx can also get paid. Great business strategy, Adobe. I can only hope you implode. And soon.

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