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Feb 14

Written by: Greg Runyon
2/14/2012 1:55 PM 

Two things I didn’t know until today:  One, that Ellen DeGeneres is a new advertising pitchperson for JC Penney; and two, that some people have a problem with this.

It seems a group calling themselves One Million Moms (probably featuring membership actually numbering in the dozens, but who knows) has their very unsexy panties (as they must be, lest they offend God) in a bunch, as in their opinion, Ms. DeGeneres is not the kind of person who represents adequately the values of the clientele of JC Penney.

I hate to rain on their parade, but let me tell you who does shop at JC Penney:  People who have murdered other people, child molesters, abortionists, sexual deviants of who knows what order, just plain old jerks, pervs, and probably a whole bunch of really nice people as well.  See, it’s a store that is open to the public.  That means that virtually anyone who cares to can just stroll on in there off the street.  It’s ridiculous!  What kind of standard is that?

What they really need to do is hand out a values questionnaire at the door when you come in, and you can complete it while you browse the fine wares that JC Penney has to offer.  Having completed the quiz, if you don’t meet the required specifications for goodness and decency as set forth by the fine ladies at O.M.M., you will be forced to leave your intended purchases at the register so that the staff may have them deloused and placed back on the shelving for more deserving people to buy.

It’s really the only proper thing to do.  I mean, I think you should be able to look inside a man’s suit jacket, and if you see the Stafford label of JC Penney’s house brand, you should be able to assess that that man is of a certain ilk, that his values are unimpeachable.  In response to all this controversy, that harlot Ellen said, “Here are the values I stand for: I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you'd want to be treated and helping those in need.  To me, those are traditional values. That's what I stand for.”  Now, really, that’s just unacceptable.

Better that we judge those who are in some way different from ourselves to be less than we are.  Better that we make it clear to them that because of something they do in the privacy of their own homes, they are not an acceptable part of our society. 

Quite frankly, if you don’t like gay people or bean bag chairs or Bengal tigers I don’t really care.  Everyone can have their preferences, this is a free country.  But getting all bent out of shape because someone who is different than you is the spokesperson for a store you like to shop at seems a tad overwrought to me.  And I guess if it’s really that big of a deal to you, then don’t shop there.  Certainly there are other places for you to buy your severe underwear.

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